why do we judge
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Are we oppressing ourselves? The truth behind Judgment and snarky comments

 

In high school, I survived a mean girl. Ironically, she was my best friend. She was back biting me, to my other friends, and putting me down through snarky comments. I remember one incident when I excitedly told her I was going to go to Mexico with my older brother and sister. She told me she hoped I caught a parasite.

 

 

So, that was not a very subtle comment and that was nearing the end of our friendship. Because of her constantly putting me down, I lost myself and all my friends. I attempted suicide. I believed what she said about me and decided I didn’t want to live.

Why is this important? Because women are still doing this to each other. Obviously, I survived and overcame it. I Found a wonderful man and became a mother. Shockingly, there are mean moms too. However now its not just you at stake but your little ones as well.

 

Why do we judge

Through our snarky comments and judging attitude, we tear each other. But why do we do it? Is there some odd competition we all think we are in? Why do we fight when we have enough fighting against us in our lives?

1. insecurity

When we are unsure of ourselves and what we are doing, we try to validate our decisions by ripping on others. I have a sister in law who is better at being a mother than I am. It would be so much easier to hate her because just being around her makes me feel like I am a terrible mother.

2. Fear

When someone intimidates us, it is natural for us to turn against them. If someone is doing a better job at work and we are afraid of being replaced what should we do? Tear them down until they quit right? Enter mean girls.

3. Loneliness

Has anyone engaged in gossip to bond with a certain female? I am guilty. It is so much easier to talk about other people and what they are doing wrong in their lives then to talk about our own lives. When we are trying to make small talk or get to know someone we tend to talk about others. I do this with my m

other in law. I get nervous around her and then engage in gossip.

4. Wanting what they have

Remember my story and my mean girl experience? The reason she was mean was for many different reasons but what I eventually learned was that her boyfriend (who was my best friend as well) talked about me a lot. This led to jealous, insecurity and wanting what I had with him. Remember her remark about Mexico? Because she wanted to go.

Too often we will put someone down because they have what we want. Someone get engaged, they are not right for each other. Someone brags about getting into a good school, how did she get in she isn’t that bright.

 

Why Must we stop Judging

 

Women are still unequal in the eyes of many around the world but the main people making that true are indeed women. Think about how much more we can accomplish if we band together to support each other instead of tearing others down.

If we stood up for each other and our own decisions, then maybe the world will see us as a stronger sex. The attitude toward women have become the butt of jokes. Think of sitcoms and how often we are shown to be emotional, irrational, judgmental, and demeaning toward each other.

If we are truly for equality shouldn’t we prove it by showing each other equality. Instead we have mothers who criticize other mothers about not breastfeeding or breastfeeding in public, staying at home and being a working mom, even having one child or four. Who cares! Why must we judge the other mother and her decisions based on what we know.

If a woman is loving and genuinely tries to do the best for her children, then why do we judge. If a woman does not want to have any children and that is her right. If she wants to have 10 it is her body!

 

How can we stop judging?

 

There is a woman in a grocery store. She is in her pajamas with no makeup on and her hair is not done. She is not in the best shape and she is buying top ramen, mac and cheese, and frozen pizza. She has a baby in the cart that is still in pajamas and a toddler walking behind her. How would you judge her?

Could we instantly think she is lazy? I mean it is 2 o’clock in the afternoon. This may be a cliché but put yourself in their shoes. This woman could be having a bad day. She got in a fight with her significant other, they don’t have a lot of money for food, and she is struggling with a silent depression.

This is one way we can stop judging others. Think about them and what their struggles could be. Don’t instantly think the worst of them. We always jump to the conclusion that they are bad people. When in fact they are struggling with trials. Look for the positive in every person you know or meet

I know I have gone to the store in my pajamas because I lacked the energy to get dressed but needed something. I struggle with anxiety and depression and I can attest that more people struggle with these silent diseases and are judged because they are “lazy”. When in fact they do not have the will to do anything. No one can judge a depressed mother until she has been depressed.

 

What we can do

 

If we find ways to find the good in everyone, we will begin to find the good in ourselves. We will build confidence and stop judging others. If we can build each other up, then the inequality we see against women will diminish.

We can band together to support each other and to empower one another. A mother and woman who is supported will build a greater life, a happier family, and change others lives. Mothers who raise happy families contribute to a functioning society and can change the world.

 

How can we empower each other?

women empowerment, stop judging

1. Women groups!

We can support each other but seeking for other women groups where we can share and not be judged. Facebook has several women groups that are against judgement and  shaming. Find other moms around you. Build up a close circle of friends that will support you and help you achieve anything you want.

2. Reach for your dreams!

Don’t give up on any of your dreams. We as women can do anything we want. We are not slaves to our households. As we reach for our dreams we will show others around us that women can do anything that we dream of. If this is being the best mother possible then be that mother. Maybe your dream is to write a book, get your PhD, or even start your own business. Do not let fear or failure keep you from reaching! You will never know how high you can go unless you try.

3. Be an example to younger women and girls

Children are always watching us. They learn from our example in every way. If we act frail they may feel like that is how they must be. Show younger women and girls that they can do whatever the set their minds to. Mentor them and be there for them. You do not know the significant impact you can have on their lives.

We are all in this together. We all face inequality most of which we inflict on each other. Women need to support Women instead of tearing us down. Maybe then we can truly change the way women are perceived and treated. Let us stop judging and start empowering! We can show the world just how much we can do.

 

About the author :

My name is Ariel Butler. I am a mother of two little boys and I have struggled with depression and Anxiety for 12 years. Mental Health is a silent disease that affects some many people. It has become my mission to share my experiences and knowledge with everyone so we can all conquer the trials of parenthood and mental illnesses. Through my tips you can learn how to accomplish goals, or overcome common parenting challenges, as a parent and remedies/relief from our ailments. No one has to be alone in this fight. Come check out my blog at http://moodymamas.org/

A Clinical Researcher by profession, I am originally from India; now live in California with my family. I am an advocate of gender equality and women empowerment. I am also a Certified Reiki Healer and a Certified Sexual Assault Counselor and Advocate. I write about women's rights, equality and gender based issues to create awareness and to include every body in my fight against gender discrimination.

24 Comments

  • Vincent Monaco

    Your first paragraph reminded me of the troubles my daughters faced (or are still facing) in middle school. It is terrible that we do not take the time to see the struggles in others. A bit of compassion can go a long way. Good article.

  • Scott J DeNicola

    I have two daughters and I see first hand how girls act towards each other and how they instantly judge and put each other down. These are the times when they are young to build each other up instead of trying to break each other down. Social media doesn’t help the situation either.

  • Melody

    Excellent article! I’ve not experienced the bullying while in school but I know many who have. It’s time to wake up to the reality of the judging that goes on all around us. Good advice and you’ve followed up with practical steps to stop the judging and places we can go to help turn the tide for others. Thanks for sharing this.

  • Luna S

    Reminds me of my own high school experience, it is crazy the amount of people who pretend to be a friend to your face but talk crap behind your back. I am glad all of that is behind you and you are in a better place now around better people!

  • Rain Shalom

    wow thanks for this. I hope a time comes when people just learn to love each other and love themselves. enough of the competition between ladies. I believe that when someone easily judge others, it’s a reflection of how that person really sees themselves.

  • Lindsay Rae

    A wonderful article that rings so true. I know I am guilty of judgment. I especially related to the gossip section. I am always finding myself gossiping with those who I feel intimidated by in order to try to get the spotlight off of me and on to someone else. I am actively trying to work on this! This was such a great write up and reminder that we all just need to be kind to one another.

    • Swagata Sen

      Thanks for such an honest confession. To be honest we all do it time to time. As long as we are aware of our guilt and constantly trying to work on it, things can not go worse. Even I have to remind myself quite often that I would not gossip and would not judge!

  • Ashley

    It is so important that us girls stick together instead of tearing each other down. I’m sorry that you were bullied when you were younger but I hope that you can look back now and see that it made you a stronger person, even in some small way.

    xo,
    Ashley
    mixtapeyogi.com

  • Erica (The Prepping Wife)

    Maybe I’m just getting old, but I have no tolerance for this kind of behavior anymore. I’ve been through it when I was younger, and I’m over it. I’ve found the right people to surround myself with and that’s where I stay. Life is too short to surround myself with crappy people.

  • Livelearnbetter (@livelearnbetter)

    The life we live now involve parents being proactive about imbibing self confidence in their wards. Most mean people are battling issues beyond them, and the best you can do is to keep a positive approach and teach your children to trust you and talk to you about their concerns. I have read too many sad stories of kids committing suicide because of bullying.

  • Johnny Quid

    This sort of thing happens with girls and boys, unfortunately. My Dad always told me to just keep your head down and do what you need to do, and to just ignore people who are trying to tear you down because they’re basically jealous of you. That wasn’t easy for me to do as a kid, and it’s not easy for me to do now, but I let people just be people and I move on.

  • tcleland88

    I need to share this with my junior high students. Girls can be so mean! Realizing that there are reasons behind the cattiness may help the recipients to brush off snarky comments. And, those who dish it out may recognize the fear, insecurity, loneliness, and envy in themselves and become more honest about their feelings.

  • Andrea (2oddravens)

    As a preteen, I recall all of the girls in my grade (2 classes worth of girls) turning against me on 2 separate occasions because one girl liked a boy who liked me. I didn’t even like the boy back, but because he was interested in me, it made me a terrible person some how, and girls were plotting to attack me outside of the school. I thankfully had a teacher at the school that I felt safe with and who kept me in her class to keep me safe. It was awful, and even all these years later, I still experience anxiety when I think of that experience.

    • Swagata Sen

      Yes! We all have been there. But some people just love to judge, or may be judging others or criticizing about every other living being on earth make them temporarily forget their own complex/ jealousy/ insecurities/ shortcomings. I do not want to judge them back either! I genuinely practice being as non judgmental as possible but it is so difficult at times. I feel I am surrounded by so many negative people, and whom I don’t want to judge!!!

  • Nina

    We live in the world where people are judgmental but I don’t think we should just jump on the wagon. At the end of the day, it would be our choice whether to live in guilt for hurting someone with careless remarks. Sadly, Facebook brought this to humanity. It’s easier to judge people now because of our access with technology.

  • Angie

    Yes! We all need to be less judgmental! I’ve finally gotten to a place in my life where I am trying to be more purposeful in my thoughts and actions. Judgment serves no purpose!

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